Walking in Our Own Shoes

Walking in someone else's shoes is not an an easy thing.  Too often we approach our attempts at being a helper with the idea that one size fits all.  What works for us, or what we read about what should work often does not work.  While someone may have the same illness which has touched our life, the circumstances which brought them to the moment that seems so similar to ours are never the same.  In the same way some expression of family dysfunction may look like the exact thing we have already experienced, but, of course, things are never really the same.  The one thing we should never say is "I understand what you are going through..." because we do not.  We cannot.    

Sometimes there is really nothing we can say with any sense of integrity.  Mostly, it is our presence that will be remembered in the tough and dark moments.  Someone coming is remembered long after we remember what words were said.  In my own life I often revisit two dark occasions.  One was nearly forty years ago when three friends simply came and spent the night in a lonely hospital room where there seemed to be no hope.  What they said, I do not remember, but that they came, I have never forgotten.  Another moment was just a short time ago.  Two couples came to sit with me and as long as I have memory, I will remember their coming with gratitude.  

There are times when someone we know has to go through such a tough time that we are tempted to stay away because we do not know what to say.  Forget that excuse.  What will truly matter is our going, not our words.  Another excuse often used is that they need to be alone.  Most likely they need the warm contact and the care expressed in the going more than sitting alone in darkness.  We may feel uncomfortable sometimes as we consider going, but we do not have to walk in their shoes, we just have to let our own take us to them.